It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me

There are a few times a year that make me dig deep. Around my birthday and new years eve, I always seem to reflect on the past months and year, and look to the future, setting goals and plans, and asking questions. Not intentionally, like "okay, it's been 6 months, time to sit down and evaluate my life." It just happens. I just find myself doing it. And it's always a quiet and contemplative process. Not something I can talk through. Because as much as I love to talk about everything to anyone who will listen, this is such a PERSONAL thing. Just me, myself, and I, to hash through these thoughts and emotions. Because no one (including myself a lot of times) can understand what I think and why, or how I feel and where it's coming from. It's a deep complicated thing, and as confusing and complex as it may be, I kind of like that I do it. And as I get older, I see a change in my thoughts, in my plans, and how I look at the past. 2010 has definitely been a year of growth for me. My first "real" job has demanded more of me than I ever thought I would be asked, and I have to say, I think I've delivered. I never thought I would be the type to think about work 24/7, or work an 80 hour work week, but I became that person this fall. Not that I wanted to necessarily, or that I enjoyed it, but the fact is, I did it. I needed to, in order to make my classroom work, and I did it. I rose to the challenge. I have dealt with an overwhelming stress that I've never faced before. I have cried in the bathroom on my lunch break, and I have felt as if I will never be good enough for this job and these kids. But that's because I love them, and I care, and they deserve the best, and HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DELIVER THE BEST? Is that what being a mom feels like? My gosh, what a heavy and daunting feeling. Anyways, this year, and mostly this new job, have made me rise to a new level. Professionally. Personally. Emotionally. Mentally. This has been a year of 'building character,' and as HARD as it's been, I appreciate looking back and being able to say I worked my butt off. Long story short: I'm tougher than I thought I was.

I LOVE the song I have playing (if your sound is off, turn it on and refresh the page so you can hear the beautiful song). I intentionally put this song at the top of my playlist for this post, and I've pasted the lyrics below. It's deep, and although it's someone elses words, it describes how I feel right now...

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending