Day 10-a long one

day 10: one confession.

I'm happy right now. That sounds like a strange confession to make, but let me explain, and bear with me, because for some reason it's hard to say. I am happy right now with our life...just the way things are. I got married at 21, thinking I'd be FINISHED having kids by 25. When I was in college, I thought the month after I graduated we'd start "trying." Now it's almost been a year since graduation, I'm 27 1/2 and Zac is 30, and I am COMPLETELY FINE with the fact we do not have kids. Isn't that weird? If I could have told the 21-year-old me that I wouldn't have kids until I was almost 30, I know I would have flipped out. But I AM HAPPY!!! In fact, I wouldn't mind if we waited a few years to start our family! It's strange to even write. I don't know why I feel guilty about this, but I do. I think I fear that I will let someone down. Maybe my two sisters who already have kids? Maybe my nieces and nephew? Maybe our parents who LOVE being grandparents? Maybe my coworkers? Maybe perfect strangers? I'm not sure why I am so worried about what everyone thinks, but I know we've been married 6 years and "it's time" to have kids, but I'm not ready. See, Zac and I did everything in a funny order. We married before I finished school, we moved a bunch, then I got a job, then finished school, and in a weird way I feel younger and "less settled" now than I did years ago, when we were living in Burnet and I was only 21, but all of my friends were stay at home moms. We finally have two jobs that we are happy with, making a nice amount of money (I didn't say a lot, but compared to what our income has been the past 6 years, it feels like lots!) and we want to be selfish for awhile. We want to travel. We want new furniture. We want to sleep late on Saturday morning. I used to think it was such a cop-out when people said they wanted to "be selfish" before they had kids, because I thought life didn't start UNTIL you have kids. But now that I have a consuming job, and very little time at the house, I realize the importance of having time to yourself, and the importance of Zac and I getting to check some things off of our 'list' before we start our family.
It feels weird to admit. I guess because I've been so obsessed with becoming a mom for so long, it's weird to not have that desire anymore. I mean, I want to be a mom eventually, but not soon. Kinda strange how it seems the older we get, the closer parenthood should feel, but we both agree that it just keeps seeming further away. Hmm...weird.
Anyways, there. It's off my chest now. That's my deep dark secret. Does it surprise you? Do you think less of me? I feel better.