9 years colon-free

Nine years ago today, I woke up and went to the hospital for a five hour surgery that would change my life. Every year since that day in 2000, on January 6th, I celebrate my "colon anniversary." I take a day to be thankful for the doctors, family, science/technology, and my faith that have affected my life for the better. I was a sick little girl, who thought I would be sick my whole life, but this surgery set me free. I feel blessed and grateful, and though I am aware of my blessings year round, I like setting aside this day as a celebration of my good health.

A few years ago, in Burnet, I was asked to speak at Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I chose to spoke about the one area of my life which both heightened and challenged my faith...my illness. Here is the speech I gave that night, several years ago. It is very long, and keep in mind my audience was 14-18 year olds. (It was written to be spoken to an audience, not read by an audience, so it is a little rough, but I didn't want to change it.) I wanted to share it with yall on my blog, because even though alot of you knew what happened to me, most of you are not aware of the spiritual journey this took me on. Some of it is kind of embarrassing now, because I was immature spiritually, but this is my witness...
My family started going to church when I was in sixth grade, and even though I didn’t want to at first, I immediately loved it. I was baptized, confirmed, joined youth group and everything. To this day, my best friends are the ones that were in my youth group...so that’s just kind of a background of my faith. But anyways, when I was in eighth grade around spring break, I started to notice there was blood in the toilet when I would use the restroom. I ignored it at first, but it started to be more and more, and I started losing weight. I went to all these doctors and was never really worried. Well, that July right before my freshman year of high school, I was finally diagnosed. They told me I had a disease called Ulcerative Colitis, which meant that the lining of my colon (or large intestine) was full of ulcers. It is a lifelong disease with no cure. Well, it sounds like a big deal, but they put me on a real light dose of steroids, and I was better in a week. I was like, oh this is no big deal…its like a cold, if you get sick, you take medicine and get better right away. No big deal right?
Well, around Christmas time my freshman year (so I guess about five months later) I had a relapse. I started getting all the symptoms of the disease, but a little worse than that one time before.) This time it took a little more medicine to get me better, but it was still not a real big deal. Well, the rest of my freshman and sophomore year I kept going in and out of remission and each time it was worse than before and took more medicine than before to get me well again. Just so you have an idea, I was your age and taking anywhere from 12 to 64 pills a day depending on how I was doing. Well, when I was sick, I was on this steroid called Prednisone. I don’t know if any of yall have experience taking this, but its horrible. My face puffed up, I gained weight, I could not sleep, I was moody, I mean I would cry over the pettiest things like not being able to decide what to order at a restaurant. My hair was falling out, I mean it was all this little stuff, but also the steroids depleted my bone mass, so I was also getting bone density tests done at age 15, they told me I had osteopenia which is a notch below osteoporosis. This other med I was on called Immuran lowered my white blood count so much it basically crashed my immune system. I would have to go get blood work done once a week to check my levels, and my immune system was so bad, I had to wait in the back of the clinic, because they were worried if I went through the waiting room I was too likely to get sick. It was just like a cruel circle, I mean I had to take this medicine to make my Colitis better, but then it did all this other stuff to me too.

Well, eventually I started to get sick of it. I hated it. I was so tired of having an optimistic outlook and being strong and happy all the time. I started thinking ya know, if God loved me, he would not let this happen to me. If I am a child of God, and I am a good person, why would He allow me to suffer like this? I started to become angry yall. I was like forget Him…if he doesn’t care about me, I won’t care about Him either. My attitude changed, and people probably noticed. I know I started kindof distancing myself from my parents who had always been my best friends and supporters through all this. I was just hateful, and I became rebellious in my faith. I mean I didn’t turn into this wild child or anything, it was all in my mind. It was like subconsciously I was getting revenge at God. I quit praying, I quit reading my bible, when I went to youth group I would just visit with my friends but not pay attention when we were discussing God.

So ok, at the very beginning of my junior year there was this huge back-to school bash at this girls house whose parents were out of town. I didn’t usually go to the parties, and if I did it was just to drive someone else home and stuff, but I decided that night I was going to drink. Being a good girl had not gotten me anywhere, and to tell you the truth, I was kinda sick of being considered a goody-goody. So, I had a few drinks, got a huge buzz, and then I went home. I thought I was fine…my friend took me home and I got home safe, my parents never knew I didn’t really go to the movies, and I woke up the next morning feeling a little blah but I guess I was just hungover. Well, the funny thing is I remember laying in bed that Saturday morning and thinking, that’s weird, I don’t feel any different for having a few drinks that night before. I did not feel any cooler, I wasn’t grown up all of a sudden, I guess I felt a little guilty for lying to my parents but I was like oh well, no big deal. I sort of chalked it up as just a stupid mistake, but ya know, oh well…Life goes on.

Well, Monday afternoon when I was changing after school for cheer practice I used the restroom and saw that I was having a relapse. I was devastated; I mean I knew I had done this to myself. If you know anything about ulcers, you know that alcohol can cause them. I was distracted that whole practice and just kind of mad at myself, because I felt stupid. I didn’t even have that much fun drinking, it was just a stupid choice I had made, but now I was gonna pay for it, because I was having a relapse. I went to the doc and he put me back on the usual meds, but this time I wasn’t getting better. You thought I was hateful and resentful towards God before? Now, I was more than ever. I was furious. In my eyes at the time, He was making me pay for my mistake and He was doing this all on purpose. I thought since I didn’t talk to Him anymore, and since I had gone to that party, God was gonna show me who was in control. Well, I was just angry!

So the doctors kept increasing the amount of steroids I was taking (my body not responding the whole time!!!) until they could ethically and safely not allow me to take any more. I was still in a relapse and it was the worst one I had ever had. I was having pains, bleeding lots and also at the same time on all these crazy meds that had all these extra side effects. So, we tried IV therapy, where I would go sit in the same clinic cancer patients receiving chemo were in, in this little recliner for three or four hours a week hoping this medicine they were giving through IV would soothe and heal the ulcers so I could get back to normal. Well, needless to say it didn’t work. Finally my doctor hit me with the big news. My cells in my colon were so damaged and had started to mutate, it was looking like pre-cancerous cells. Colon cancer. I was 16 y’all. So, my doctor mentioned that there was a surgery they could where they would take my entire large intestine out and I would have an ostomy bag on the outside of my body for six weeks, and then hopefully If everything went right and they were able to repair the inside of me, I would get rid of the bag and go back to using my own system again. I was scared, but at the same time, I was just ready to be better and quit suffering, so I guess I felt a little brave too. I just wanted to not be sick. So we went and saw the surgeon. My whole family went, I remember that we talked about all these different risks, like if it doesn’t go right I would have this bag thing on the outside of my body for the rest of my life. It was scary, but the risks of surgery still outweighed the risks of keeping my colon since it was hurting me more than helping me, and it would only get worse in the future.

About a week after that appointment when we decided to go through with this major, and rare surgery…it all sunk in. I was going to be knocked out for 5 hours while they operated on me, I would stay in the hospital a week, use a bag for six weeks, and then go back to the hospital again for another surgery to remove the bag and be in for another week, and I was gonna miss three months of school my junior year. That was my breaking point.

I was so scared and worn down, and just exhausted from holding up this “I’m tough, I will handle this on my own, I don’t need you God” attitude, I broke down. I cried every night and pleaded God to forgive me. I needed him more than ever. I felt guilty for turning my back on him and then crawling back to him when I needed something. I started reading the scripture, and I started finding all these scriptures. I brought my journal, and I want to read a few of them to you.

1 Peter 5:7...Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Proverbs 3:5-6...“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Psalm 145:14...The Lord upholds all those who fall, and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Psalm 62:5-6...Find rest O my soul in God alone: my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and salvation. He is my fortress and I will not be shaken.

Philippians 4:6-7...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 4:12-13...Dear Friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.

Psalm 42:11...Why are you downcast, Oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior, my God.

Okay, can you imagine just randomly flipping through your bible and finding all these scriptures that are speaking directly to you? God was with me that night, and yall, I truly do believe that. I truly think God was saying “Here, be comforted…take this advice, trust in me, let me help and heal you!”

So I slowly started believing again. And y’all I'm not saying it was overnight, but I got into the word and found all this comfort, so I quit trying to do it on my own.

I became closer to god than I had ever been. I mean every thought in my mind was directed to God, it was like my days were one long conversation with god. Seriously any thought I thought was directed towards God. I was in constant prayer, and you know what happened? I felt this strange comfort, I cant explain. Corinthians 1:5 says For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I was about to undergo what doctors said would probably be the hardest thing I would ever experience (including childbirth and everything) and I was totally relaxed. I felt safe, I felt guarded. God was on my side, I felt like nothing would get me down. Yall, you might think its dumb, but I was so at peace with everything about to happen, I wasn’t scared, its like I just knew I was being taken care of. When I was scared I would pray, when I was hurting I would pray. And people saw this sudden strength and attitude change. I quit focusing on the bad things (poor me, why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? Etc…) to all the good things, like well I am lucky I have such a great family, and I am glad my parents can afford to get me the care I need, and I am so glad I have the best doctors in the whole wide world. People asked me how I was dealing with everything so well. Well, in 1 Corinthians 10:31 it says:Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

So I told them God was helping me through it. This was not me at all, God had taken over and was literally carrying me through each day. People at school thought I was hiding my fear or something, like how can she be so calm and collected when she is so sick and about to go through this major thing? I was happy, so they thought I was just internalizing everything. Proverbs 17:22 says that A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries the bones. But when people would say stuff, I would tell them…God is with me, and it became an easy way for me to witness. I could have never before so easily talked about God with my peers, but suddenly it was so easy for me to share. I was so grateful, and I just wanted everyone to know. I was able to use what I was going through to reach other people, and since I had they thought I was so vulnerable and should have been so sad and terrified, I wasn’t just saying it, they could actually see that God was with me and helping me by my attitude.

So, I got through the surgery fine, and throughout my healing time, I felt so blessed in a million ways. to have such wonderful doctors, great friends, family, church. I missed three months of school but it flew by. I constantly had visitors and love surrounding me. My youth director would come and visit me and tell me she could feel Jesus shining through me. I'm not bragging or anything guys, but isn’t that the goal? Don’t we all want people to just see us glowing like we are on this high that can only come from Jesus? God used me and I was an instrument of God.

Okay, so I know my situation is really unique, but guys it really doesn’t matter what it is…say your parents are getting divorced, or you are sad you are leaving for college, you have lost a loved one or just anytime you are facing a difficult time, you have to make a choice. You can resent God for putting you in the situation (which I can tell you from experience is no the way to go) or you can turn to God and say, okay, I surrender, you're right I cant do it on my own, help me, use me, whatever it is, I will serve you and praise you because you are my Lord. Just think y’all, you know that comfort and peace I felt after I came to God…what if I could have had that all along? What if I didn’t have to be so scared and bitter and hateful and resentful? I didn’t have to, if I would have just turned to God earlier, and you don’t ever have to experience that either. I promise, if you put your faith and trust in God, He will come through, he will not disappoint you.

James 1:2-4 says Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I could not understand at the time why in the world I was so young and going through this horrible thing, but I look back, and its so clear to me now. I am a stronger person and God knew what he was doing, he tested me more and more until I finally broke, and as weird as it sounds, I am glad He did. I might never have been so close to God if it weren’t for those times I had no choice but to turn and give all of my energy to Him.

Y’all, I hope that you got a little something out of tonight. I just hope you can remember that whenever things get tough you DO have someone on your side, and you are NOT alone, and you never have to be. I know God has the same peace and comfort for you that he showed me.